Tuesday poetry slam

I've been in two poetry classes this semester. These are my best results thus far.

Cold Love

Let me tell you about you refrigerator
Not so much the appliance itself
But it's contents
And not all of the conents
Only the condiments
Yes let's talk about your condiments
But what I really mean is love

You see the bottle of ketchup
No not the full one
The one that is tipped upside down
And contains almost no ketchup
Did you know that bottle is your first love?

Your old flame is that dollop of ketchup
The one you won't bring out with anyone around
To squeeze that trace amount with flatulent effort
No, instead you see the bottle when you open the door
You smile at it bathed in the low wattage bulb
You know there is no chance for you and that ketchup
But you can't bring yourself to let go

Sometimes you think about bringing out that ketchup
Just for old time's sake
To see if it's still the same as it was before
You know you'll just end up with a mess
So you stay with the safe bet
The new ketchup. The fuller ketchup.
The sexier ketchup.

You know the new ketchup doesn't love you!
It's all a physical
Everything is easy with the new ketchup
For now. But look
The new ketchup is becoming less full
Before long it will be just like the old ketchup
But it could never be exactly like the old ketchup

The new ketchup will probably leave you for your best friend
He'll have to keep the new ketchup in his fridge when the level is low
She'll be upside down in his door shelf
And you will be left with the old ketchup who has always loved you
And the mayonnaise
Whom you have no relationship with

Peace of Pieces

You have a piece of me
But it is a part you'll never see
It is my final missing piece
The completion of the puzzle of my existence
It is to only you that I drawn
Cosmically linked from the day we were born
Who knows who? Who knows why
We were chosen, linked until we die
Through time, space, and location
I believe you are my true vocation
It has always been so
I just didn't always know
I've felt the feeling but never heard
How to put the feelings in me into words
While you have a part of me, it's true
I am not so entirely sure that I have part of you


My greatest fear is that your piece is
Entwined with the soul of another face
And while we shall always be united
There might also always be another invited
A joke of the gods upon my love
A trick shot of Cupid that splits double
As you are me, are they too you?
Oh great beings above, tell me it's not true!
Is my life surely to be
Encased in endless agony?
Take this pall from my dream
Listen to me! Heed my screams!

I can scream no longer, only accept
If this is my lot, then so be it
I am yours eternally
Even if elsewhere you must be
Your voice, your face, your sweet smile
Will still rouse me from my sleep, run me the extra mile
Your mind, dear, will be a treasure
I shan't lose to mere ease and leisure
An interlocking puzzle of romance
A spiritual union is not left to chance

In some space and spectacle
We shall make each other respectable
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day


John Donne Undead

Mark but this corpse, was it not once me?
But now it's teeth do sink into your forearm,
voraciously devouring your flesh.
You do scream in fright, my love,
but we two have become one in my zombie stomach.
I know not sin, nor shame, nor loss of life
Nor soon will you
Lest ye cleave the arm
from your body before
the madness sets in and spreads
I wish you would stop your screaming and put down that hacksaw

Stay still three minutes maybe more
It shan't take much longer
Bask in our undead, unholy bond
None could begrudge you an eternal happiness
None could ever set us apart without particular murder and dismemberment
You'll notice you look quite delicious,
All alive and fully limbed
Minus your arm
Which lies on the ground
Sadly sawn off

Cruel and sudden, have you really
Sawn off a perfectly good limb in the name of purity?
Could you really be so angered as to put me in the crosshairs?
My love, my one undead necessity is to feed
Surely you couldn't begrudge me gnawing your forearm nearly to the bone?
You are surely the weaker and
Now I must devour you quite completely before my cold brethren arrive
We will always be as one, love


Don't Think Me Of Low Moral Fiber

It is possible
that I
touched your bottom
just now

as you
stood near the bar
waiting for your
adult beverage

Thank you
it was no accident
even though
I made it appear so


Song of Someone Pretty Great

I'm one highly nifty fellow, I'm a fan of me.
If not attracted to my dashing good looks or winning personality
Then surely you are driven wild
By my acute sense of modesty

I live and I love,
The world is my oyster and if you're lucky
I may just let you be my pearl

It's a well documented fact that birds suddenly appear
Everytime I am near
It really can't be helped
Burt Bacharach and Hal David mentioned it in a song
Decades before I was even born

I've seen you follow the ground that
Has been graced by my footsteps
I've seen you collect the garbage that
I carelessly toss from my automobile
It's flattering but it's creepy
But you're cute, so I'll let you

Steve Danger Apfel, the words
Roll off of your tongue, caress your vocal chords
And make sweet love to the pleasure center of your mind
To know me is to love me
But how well do you know me?

Venture a glance
Steal a glimpse
I'm truly a beautiful specimen
Take me in
Take me out
I'll do wonders for your reputation

You'll make new friends
Be the envy of your old ones
You have the hot new item
That is on every girl's wish list

But don't think me a cad
I'm harmless, really
A true gentleman
I'll open your doors, hold your coat
Don't say chivalry is dead
The world supply was simply lessened
When I became the embodiment of the sentiment

I'm the boy you can trust
The one you can tell your secrets to
I'm the one you've dreamed of
Yes, here I am
Your sweetest dream
Come entirely true

I'll charm your parents
High five your little brother
Have a chat with your sister
Even play ball with the family dog

What's not to love about me?
Go ahead, search for a flaw
I've got all afternoon
But leave me my evening
Your sister and I really hit it off
We're going to the movies
Wish me luck, wink wink


Dancing About Architecture

I have an idea,
It's more of an inkling, but I'm just throwing it out there.
It may not be much now but one day
It could be a really grand thought.

Maybe you agree with it.
Maybe your friend agrees well.
It's even conceivable that her friend and their friend
And maybe even more friends will take it on.

Since so many of us are in agreement,
I believe it's safe to say we're now a movement.
So stand up and shout my little idea with conviction!
If one more movie studio, including but not limited to Platinum Dunes, makes a god awful remake of one of my favorite horror movies without offering any regard to the original stories and characters, no matter how cheesy or poorly made the original film was, including the proposed remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street without Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger, I think I may just have to kick a puppy.


Dissed in the Malibu

I got a question.
If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?
I am looking for a dare to be great situation.
You probably got it all figured out, Corey.
If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise.
I want to get hurt!
I gave her my heart,
She gave me...
A pen.
Just knowing that a version like that exists,
knowing that just for a minute she felt that and wrote "I can't help loving you". That has to be worth something.
But
Maybe I didn't really know you.
Maybe you were just a mirage.
Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle
and we're all just hurling towards an apocalypse,
in which case it's not your fault.
I've been thinking about all these things and...
I draw the line at 7 unreturned phone calls


No Wave Like the New Wave

Here's my the story of a grand solution
The way I learned to take away pain
I'm no prince to start a revolution
Just a boy drenched in purple rain

I was angry, I was terrible
I shook and I cursed keeping it inside myself
My tears became fears until from my stereo
Shout, shout, let it all out

My shouting was loud, my shouting was pure
But I grew weary, spewing words at the sky
I sought a gentler, perhaps sadder cure
They told me only, boys don't cry

So I kept shouting, until my throat grew tense
Only because I thought I should
De-evolution suggested a solution in violence
Whip it, whip it good

It wasn't right, it wasn't what I needed
I thought the maybe soothing touch of another
It was Michael's advice I should have heeded
Turns out Billie Jean was not my lover

I couldn't survive with an impostor to hold me
No advice gave me the safety I so wanted
It wasn't until some hatless men told me
I can dance if I want to


Turn the Tables to Catch My Groove

Do you really want to have this conversation?
Did you really just say that?
You are in for a world of hurt, buddy, because
My record collection can beat up your record collection

What's that? You don't have records?
You only have CDs and some MP3s?
And you call yourself a music lover!
Why don't you take your clinical, mechanical garbage
And just go jump in a river?

I'd throw you a nice inflatable raft
But they're made of vinyl.
The only place vinyl belongs is
On my turntable.

Listen to that warm hum of needle riding smooth grooves
My speaker crackle beats the living shit
Out of your ipod smugness
Even my skips beat your skips

My records are on a shelf
Above my couch
In my basement
If that shelf fell, I'd be crushed under the weight of
Sweet, sweet music
And it would be darkly ironic

I don't see irony coming from your music
And the only death it could bring you
Is the death of a loudmouth poser
A loudmouth poser, a loudmouth poser

Sorry I got so excited I started to skip
I had to bump my needle
You got a quarter I can put on it?
Thanks. You're alright.
Even if you are digital.


Because They Could Not Wait

Because the studio could not wait
The script was rushed and incomplete
Because they said "We need a star"
They cast Keanu Reeves

Next they'd need at least a B list director
A name big enough to pitch
They fire up the magic name selector
Michael Bay would work in a pinch

There would be explosions and fire
But they needed a hot babe
The budget was not for new desires
A deal with Drew Barrymore was made

The stars were set but they needed a comic foil
Not too funny to overshadow the talent
Not necessarily funny at all
They said "Let's get Jimmy Fallon!"

A villain! Who can be charming yet evil?
Talent is not necessary for this call
Let's place a call to Queen Latifah
We need a minority after all

We need all star cameos
Let's get Will Ferrell
Cut it. Print it.
Coming to theaters it's Disney's Hansel and Gretel


Dirty Words

I have a filthy fucking mouth.
I love my
Four letter words
Five letter words
Even
C-o-c-k-s-u-c-k-e-r
Ten and
M-o-t-h-e-r-f-u-c-k-e-r
Twelve letter words

But there was a girl
Because there's always a girl
She liked my smile
And thought I was funny
But couldn't handle
My filthy fucking mouth
She said it made me sound
Uneducated, unsophisticated
And she would not stand for it

I resolved to change
My shits all became shoots and shuckses
I darned and danged all my damns
Each fuck was now fork, funk, or fudge
Depending on circumstance
I couldn't get pissed but peeved
Because I couldn't bitch, only get a beef

But then there was motherfucker
The grand daddy of profanity
It was so much fun to say
Motherfucker
It has a certain power behind it
Motherfucker
One needn't even say the entire word
It is really one bad mutha

I tried disguising my motherfuckers
Melon farmer!
Mr. Falcon!
Michael Fluxer!
Ever loving!
Nothing felt as good as a nice
Motherfucker!
For the sake of my lady's delicate ears
I would just try my best to avoid
The motherfuckers

And so we went
Shooting and shucksing
Never a beef between the two of us
Until finally I said
"Honey, I like you so darn much,
Well, shoot,
I'd like you to move in with me!"
She gave me the biggest forking
Kiss you've ever seen.
Holy fudge!

It was agreed
She would move in with me
We started to move her things in
We brought her
Dang comfy couch over
But as we carried the couch
Disaster snuck in the door

My grip slipped
The couch crashed
My foot was flattened
And the torrent began

Shit! Piss!
Fuck! Cunt!
Cocksucker!
Motherfucker!
Tits! Fart!
Turd! Twat!
Goddammit! Too
And of course
Jesus fucking christ!

The bluer my streak grew
The redder my
Beloved's face became
She stared at me
Glared at me
Her look was dirtier than any word
That I'd ever said
My charade came to a slamming end
She walked out the door
I tried to follow her
But my flat fucking foot
Was still feeding my
Filthy fucking mouth
And still very much
Under that goddamn couch

I never saw her again
Never heard from her
She couldn't stand
My filthy fucking mouth
And no longer wanted
Her fucking comfy couch
Where I now sit
And let my dirty words
My lovely
Four letter
Five letter
Ten letter
And twelve letter words
Keep me company